JOKES SHARED AMONG HR MANAGERS - TWISTED MEANINGS

"COMPETITIVE SALARY"
We remain competitive by paying less than our competitors.

"JOIN OUR FAST-PACED COMPANY"
We have no time to train you.

"CASUAL WORK ATMOSPHERE"
We don't pay enough to expect that you'll dress up.

"MUST BE DEADLINE-ORIENTED"
You'll be six months behind schedule on your first day.

"SOME OVERTIME REQUIRED"
Some time each night and some time each weekend.

"DUTIES WILL VARY"
Anyone in the office can boss you around.

"MUST HAVE AN EYE FOR DETAIL"
We have no quality control.

"CAREER-MINDED"
Female Applicants must be childless (and remain that way).

"APPLY IN PERSON"
If you're old, fat or ugly you'll be told the position has been filled.

"NO PHONE CALLS PLEASE"
We've filled the job; our call for resumes is just a legal formality.


JOKES SHARED AMONG HR MANAGERS - WAKE UP, YOU BUM!
12 explanations that employees might say when they’re caught sleeping at their desks.
"They told me at the blood bank this might happen."
"This is just a 15-minute power nap like they raved about in that time management course you sent me to."
"Whew! Guess I left the top off the liquid paper. You probably got here just in time."
"This is in exchange for the six hours last night when I dreamed about work."
"It’s okay ... I’m still billing the client."
"I wasn’t sleeping! I was meditating on the mission statement."
"I was testing my keyboard for drool resistance."
"I was doing a yoga exercise to relieve work-related stress."
"Rats! Why did you interrupt me? I almost had figured out a solution to our biggest company problem."
"The coffee machine’s broken."
"Someone must have put decaf in the wrong pot."
"Amen."


TOP TEN SIGNS THE PRESSURES OF THE JOB ARE GETTING TO YOU
10. You wake up in a panic. . . in the middle of an important CEO meeting.
9. You're paranoid that the plantwatering crew are IRS agents in disguise.
8. You get up from your desk to do something, and then forget what it was.
7. No one in your office smiles. . . at you.
6. Antacids are included on your expense report.
5. You want to quit, but you're addicted to the stress.
4. You chip a tooth biting on your pen.
3. Those funky-colored stress toys on your desk need retreading.
2. You're considering adding an HRMS to your appointment book.
1. You answer every phone call with"Mommy?"



LUNCH BREAK - NEW MEASURES FOR STAFF
Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch as they need to eat more so that they can
look healthy.
Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure.
Fat people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim Fast and take a diet pill.
Thank you for your loyalty to our company.



EXTRACT OF MEMO FROM HR DEPT TO STAFF
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